On Being Present

 

Being Present

 

It’s funny how God uses whatever He wants to speak to one of His children’s immediate needs.  I have been irritable for several days now and couldn’t quite figure out what was ailing me.  I went to God for “the cure,” hoping He could set me back on course because I was really tired of the mood and its “fruit.”  I got distracted and wasn’t really hearing from God and clicked on a video that was on a window I was viewing about Carrie Prejean’s latest story in the news  (the de-throned Miss USA after the stand she took on same sexed marriage).  The video was not Carrie Prejean as I had hoped.  It was Joan Cusak, talking to someone on the Today show.  The interviewer asked her what is the most important thing your kids have taught you in your time of being a mom.  She said, “To be present.”  She went on to describe that presence with her kids is really all that matters in being a mom. She went on, and I am parphrasing….  Getting to busy to see and feel what is going on with them, to laugh with them, is just a waste, and then the moment is gone, that chance to connect is gone forever. 

 

I knew that was resonating with me.  I knew God was leading me back to prayer with Him and listening to what He would have to say about that.  I became suddenly convicted that I had been seeking God’s presence for what it could do for me.  I was selfishly wanting to access Him so that I could improve my situation.  I confessed my selfishness, and told Father that I simply wanted to be in Him and He in me because I do not like who I am without His Presence in me.  So I began to ask God how I could get back on track and present with Him.  I simply heard, “Psalms.”  I asked, “Which Psalm?”  I heard, “102.”  Now, since this has happened a few times before, I knew I was about to get set straight, maybe even chastised a little, but I have come to trust that God always does the chastising in a very loving way.  I read with anticipation.  The discipline went down like a smooth 1st cup of coffee in the morning.

 

 

Psalm 102

A prayer of an afflicted man. When he is faint and pours out his lament before the LORD.

 1 Hear my prayer, O LORD;

       let my cry for help come to you.

 2 Do not hide your face from me

       when I am in distress.

       Turn your ear to me;

       when I call, answer me quickly.

 3 For my days vanish like smoke;

       my bones burn like glowing embers.

 4 My heart is blighted and withered like grass;

       I forget to eat my food.

 5 Because of my loud groaning

       I am reduced to skin and bones.

 6 I am like a desert owl,

       like an owl among the ruins.

 7 I lie awake; I have become

       like a bird alone on a roof.

 8 All day long my enemies taunt me;

       those who rail against me use my name as a curse.

 9 For I eat ashes as my food

       and mingle my drink with tears

 10 because of your great wrath,

       for you have taken me up and thrown me aside.

 11 My days are like the evening shadow;

       I wither away like grass.

 12 But you, O LORD, sit enthroned forever;

       your renown endures through all generations.

 13 You will arise and have compassion on Zion,

       for it is time to show favor to her;

       the appointed time has come.

 14 For her stones are dear to your servants;

       her very dust moves them to pity.

 15 The nations will fear the name of the LORD,

       all the kings of the earth will revere your glory.

 16 For the LORD will rebuild Zion

       and appear in his glory.

 17 He will respond to the prayer of the destitute;

       he will not despise their plea.

 18 Let this be written for a future generation,

       that a people not yet created may praise the LORD :

 19 “The LORD looked down from his sanctuary on high,

       from heaven he viewed the earth,

 20 to hear the groans of the prisoners

       and release those condemned to death.”

 21 So the name of the LORD will be declared in Zion

       and his praise in Jerusalem

 22 when the peoples and the kingdoms

       assemble to worship the LORD.

 23 In the course of my life [a] he broke my strength;

       he cut short my days.

 24 So I said:

       “Do not take me away, O my God, in the midst of my days;

       your years go on through all generations.

 25 In the beginning you laid the foundations of the earth,

       and the heavens are the work of your hands.

 26 They will perish, but you remain;

       they will all wear out like a garment.

       Like clothing you will change them

       and they will be discarded.

 27 But you remain the same,

       and your years will never end.

 28 The children of your servants will live in your presence;

       their descendants will be established before you.”

 

Set firmly and lovingly back on course, I prayed this prayer.

 

Father,

 You have led me to see that I was seeking you for what you could do for my situation right now.  In your wisdom and perfect provision,  you led me to these verses.  What I am hearing is that my days will whither away like grass.  My situation is really important to me and important to you, but it so very temporary.  But you, will always be.  You, have always been.  Your presence in my heart, You being before me so that I can study Your character, Your ways, Your heart, is more important that anything that has been done or will be done, or needs to be done.  I confess I am NOT present with You or anyone else.  I have to be present with You to be present with others.  After I connected to You this morning for just that short little time, I wanted to be present with the kids.  It was like my priorities were instantly in line, but then I went on about my agenda  and became rushed and impatient with them and myself again.  I thought at some point, Tuesday  is the only day I get to spend the whole day with them.  I really ought to be able to be positive and patient on one full day with them a week by myself.  I then felt like a bad mom, but in my own shame,  I couldn’t do anything about it.  The best I could do was withdraw.  The worst I could do was be irritable and angry.

 

I see that you are teaching me a lesson here about the importance of your presence.  It’s more important than anything that has ever happened and anything that ever will happen.  You are the only thing that does not whither.  After my body has withered into dust, our connection is the only thing that will have mattered.  For my future generations, the only thing that will remain from my legacy is my presence with them and how that in part shaped my children into the people they will become. 

 

You can never really predict where the next word from God will come.  Today, God had a sense of humor and teamed up with Joan Cusak to reach me right where I am.

Will Be Safe – testimony about wrestling with God over questions

 Exhibit 1:  Song by Plumb

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lklVOT6U

The QUESTION:

 I have wrestled with God for several months over this question:  Will He keep me safe if I let go and trust Him?  Will He keep my children safe if I give them to Him?

 This wrestling match, followed a series of events in which I had a revelation that He is my Father, and I am His daughter.  I realized that I had been striving to be independent and take care of myself and my children.  I have learned to ask Father specific questions, and He gives specific answers.  He’s a good Father and will not withhold any good thing from us and wants to see us prosper.  He wants to free us of our chains.  He wants to give us purpose and identity beyond our wildest dreams.  I asked God one Saturday in a local restaurant, where I was sneaking a quiet moment, “Will you protect me and my family?” 

Lesson 1: 

What I noticed is that he answered the question not yes or no, but led me through a series of memories where I had turned my back on God and was making self-destructive choices in my youth.  He brought to mind  very specific incidents in which He sent people in my life to care for me. I was blown away by the realization of His tenderness and concern for me at that time.  Throughout the next 2-3 weeks, Father gave me real life examples of how His ways are not my ways, in the area of protection. 

 When I was reflecting on the things Father shared willingly with me later that day, He helped me realize the next answer to that question that I received.

 God did not spare his son, but gave him freely for us so that we would inherit eternal life.

Romans 8:32 (New International Version)

32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

 Pasted from <http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=52&chapter=8&verse=32&version=31&context=verse>

 Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Pasted from <http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=30&chapter=29&verse=11&version=31&context=verse>

 

Lesson 2:

The next week, we went on vacation, and there were several times I could see how our family could be considered in danger or ensnared in some way, yet God provided a way out.  We had the opportunity to trust in his provision of strength and courage instead of fearing, and He delivered us from “bullies of life.”

 On the way home from that trip, my husband and I listened to a sermon about the “Mother Heart of God” by Jack Frost at Shiloh Place ministries.  He told the following story which reminded us of a way in the past he protected our family.  The story went as follows.

(edited by Gabrielle)

God is in the Rain

This story is about a little baby named Sarah Jane, born premature in 1991. Weighing 1 lb and being only 12 inches long, she was transferred into NICU. The doctors refrained the parents from holding her, explaining that touching her would only bring little Sarah Jane more pain. Instead, the mother sat by her bassinet, singing to her and talking smoothly to her. The doctor on duty came by and told the mother she was doing no good for her baby’s recovery, that she should do something more useful with her time.

The mother and father left the hospital angry and deeply hurt. The father felt hopeless, as if nothing could be done, just like the doctor had said. But Sarah Jane’s mother did not back down. She began to pray. She asked the Father to hold Sarah Jane in his arms, since she was unable. She asked the Father to heal her.

And He did.

Sarah Jane baffled the doctors, recovering beautifully. She was healed by the grace of God.

The doctors weren’t finished yet. They told her parents she would be mentally retarded, that she would be ‘wrong’ in so many other different aspects.

God healed her in every way, just because her mother prayed and believed in the outcome.

Several years later, Sarah Jane was playing outside when it began to rain. Running into the house, she exclaimed,

“It smells like Him! It smells like Him! I haven’t smelt him in so long, but that’s what He smells like!”

Puzzled, her mother asked her what she was talking about.

“God, Momma. The rain outside smells like God.”

 

My husband was brought to tears as we listened to this story, and because I never saw my husband cry like that, I just waited, and held his hand. He had been touched by the story, but was struck by the memories of our own experience with the premature birth of our first child and  then later when our son was 3 months old, another hospitalization.  He described how he felt so helpless to help him at that time.  I was convicted and saddened that we had tried to do it on our own instead of purposely and consciously asking God to nurture him while we couldn’t.  We did the best we could, staying at the hospitals  more than the staff wanted us to.  I was talking to God about it that night as I was lying beside our youngest (Emily).  She had just gone to sleep, and I asked God to talk to me about our experiences with Eli.  I immediately started seeing scenes replayed of my husband and I frantically doing the best things we could think to do, researching, asking tons of questions, worrying, crying, and in the corner of the room there were hands stretched out as if to receive a baby and hold him.  I immediately knew that it was God’s hands in my vision. I realized what had happened.  We, being responsible, good, and loving parents tried to do everything we could.  God said to me after that vision, “I gave him (Eli) to you, so that you would give him back to me.”  I went to both rooms and prayed over the children giving them to God for His purposes and His protection, and asked Him to allow me to show His love through me to them.

Lesson 3: 

The next week, as I am still processing the other incidents I testified above, I had another real life illustration of HIS ways vs. my ways.

 Journal entry: Our youngest child Emily was  in danger and in pain last night,  and what was disturbing about the whole incident is that I didn’t even know it for a while because she only says a few words (as she is 17 months old).  She began crying just before I put her in the shower with me (that’s our quick bath approach).  I picked her up and just held her with the water on her back, swaying, trying to calm her down.  She looked at me and whined, saying, “hurt, hurt,” a word she just learned that day. I thought she was saying “hot” so I turned the temperature of the water cooler.  Then I realized she was saying “hurt” so I turned it even cooler.  Then she continued to say “hurt, ” so I thought, “Aww. Poor baby. Her teeth are hurting.”  I washed her and then held her for a while and she stopped crying but rested her head on my chest while she was still in pain.  We got out of the shower and my husband dried her off when he discovered that her foot was bleeding!  When we further inspected it there was a very small shard of glass lodged in between her toes.  I had dropped a glass on the floor several days prior that shattered, and I worked hard to get up all the pieces but I must have missed one.  It was very difficult to get out, and very physically painful and traumatic for her because she couldn’t understand why we had to restrain her and “hurt” her further.  We had to take breaks a couple times for our own sanity (because it was difficult for us, emotionally).  We would hold her and calm her during those breaks and go back to trying to get a very small shard of glass from between her small toes.  After it was over with and she was safe, her daddy held her in his arms for a good while and that’s where she wanted to be to recover from the ordeal.

 Several things occurred to me after the whole incident.

 1) We being earthly parents had no idea that she had been hurt, what hurt her, or that anything needed to be done. 

2)  Being earthly parents, we sometimes inadvertently ensnare or endanger our children with mistakes in parenting and give the enemy a platform for his lies.  

3) God, knowing all things, and seeing us as children always, even though we are parents, knows when we are ensnared or hurting and He holds us to Him and helps us calm down in His safe bosom.   If we attempt to provide a safe place for our children to hurt in our natural, earthly forms, how much more will Father provide a safe place for us to hurt and recover from our wounds 

4)  Sometimes as parents, our children are hurting, and we have no idea how to help them.  God is holding US and THEM while we are trying to figure it out.  He knows what they need.  

5) Holy Spirit within us, knows our needs and can communicate them to the Father, even if we like Emily are limited in our ability to articulate our needs, so that we are not left alone even if we don’t know how to ask for help.

  Romans 8:26 (New International Version)

 26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

 Pasted from <http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=52&chapter=8&verse=26&version=31&context=verse>

Matthew 6:25-26

 25″Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

 Pasted from <http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=47&chapter=6&version=31>

 In conclusion:

Because we are God’s children, and never really adults in His eyes, we can be assurred that God will HOLD our children just as He holds us in His Hands.  Our spirit takes precendent over the body, although God is still concerned for our physical needs, safety, and health (just as we are concerned for our own children).

You see God starts our lives with a picture of who He created us to be, without sin, without painful events that change the course of love, without devastating consequences we have as a result of our own mistakes, and He keeps that picture of our TRUE identity throughout time.  Our choice, our control, and perogative to choose to worship him is so important that even though He could straighten out this world in a breath, He chooses not to do so, so that we might freely give Him our love and our hearts.  We are able to choose to end our orphaned states and enter into a sonship or daughterhood that predated our physical existence  before the foundation of time.  Because of this dream that God has about who He has already created us to be as individuals and that we may or may not choose His way and to love Him, how much can God empathize with us when we nervously watch our children grow into more and more perilous levels of freedom and responsibility?  He knew exactly what was going to happen throughout Jesus lifespan, but He willingly sent Him for us.  Each one of us who have given our lives AND HEARTS to God have a position in His eyes equal to Jesus.  When we watch our children become hurt by the bullies of this world, whether they be sickness, trauma, careless mistakes, willful rebellion, dashed dreams, we mourn that they are held back by those hindrances.  We attempt to figure out how to care for them, how to reach them and convince them to go a different way.  If we are not even close to being perfect parents, HOW MUCH MORE DOES FATHER FEEL for us regarding the BULLIES WE FACE?  How is He trying to reach you right now?

Psalm 139

1 O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.

    2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

    3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

    4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.

   

 5You hem me in— behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.

    6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

   

 7Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?

    8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

    9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,

    10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

   

 11If I say, Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,

    12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

   

 13For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

    14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

    15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

    16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

  Pasted from <http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%20139;&version=64;

My Answer:  God won btw….

He protects us in a larger sense.  He might not always spare us pain, even our life, but He is there to give us purpose, comfort, and destiny beyond our wildest dreams.  

 

 

 

 

Loving accurately

After years of working with parents and children, years of teaching parenting skills, consulting w/ parents on how to get their children to cooperate more, how to take care of themselves while rearing responsible children into adulthood, I have come to realize that it can’t be done.  We will always fall short.  OUr kids, no matter how well we do, will have something to talk to his/ her future therapist about with regard to wounding we have caused them.  So do we just throw in the towel and just hope for the best?  I don’t think we have that option. 

What are your parenting goals?  To raise responsible citizens, to raise family men and women with family values, to raise self-reliant men and women who don’t need to depend on anyone but themselves?

What goals do you have for instilling faith in God in your children? 

The area I see the most harm done is in this area.  You see, mothers and fathers introduce their children to authority.  The main authority children are able to witness until they go to school are their mothers and fathers.  They begin making generalizations of our way of exercising authority of God’s way.

If we are a reflection of who they come to believe God is, how God is, how God feels about them, how accurate would their perceptions of God be from growing up in your household?

Will your children think God, their heavenly Father, is a task master, never satisfied unless they reach the standard of perfection?

Will your children believe that God is aloof and unavailable, uninterested in their daily affairs?

Will your children believe that God is frightening, angry, punitive in making sure we learn the lessons of life?

Or will your children have an accurate picture of who God is from growing up under your authority?  Will they believe that God is kind, God is LOVE?  And a LOVE much different than we are able to pull off no matter how hard we try?

It is my mission in life now to proclaim that we MUST study with our minds and experience with our hearts on a daily basis LOVE accurately, to know God and be known by Him, to have a daily experience with His grace, in order to accurately LOVE our children as He Loves us.  It is not solely about speaking the truth.  Parenting is about speaking the truth in LOVE, as God does to us.  It is not about whether or not we love, rather, it is HOW ACCURATELY our LOVE reflects God, who IS LOVE.

1) GOD IS LOVE.  See below.

I John 4:

⁷Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. ⁸Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. ⁹This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son^[b] into the world that we might live through him. ¹⁰This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for^[c] our sins. ¹¹Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. ¹²No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

2) The greatest parenting skills w/o accurate love=clanging gong.  aweful sound.  This is what true love looks like in practice.

1 Corinthians 13 (New International Version)

 

1 Corinthians 13

Love

 ¹If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,^[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

 ⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 ⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

 ¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

 

3) Knowing what it looks like is not sufficient to enable us to practice love accurately.  I can really describe exactly what type of window seat I want in my master bedroom, but it is not within my skill set, nor my husband’s to build the thing without a carpenter teaching us how.  I think as inept as we are in this capacity, we would really have to have the carpenter standing here with us in the master bedroom, handing us the correct tools on a moment by moment basis, and whispering in our ear how to effectively use those tools.  That is what the Holy Spirit does for us if we invite Him into our homes.  He guides us, counsels us, and gives us the ability to Love accurately.  That type of love is only within our reach when God makes His home in us, thereby making His home in our homes.

John 14: 

Jesus Promises the Holy Spirit

 ¹⁵“If you love me, you will obey what I command. ¹⁶And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever— ¹⁷the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be^[c] in you. ¹⁸I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. ¹⁹Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. ²⁰On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. ²¹Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him.”

 ²²Then Judas (not Judas Iscariot) said, “But, Lord, why do you intend to show yourself to us and not to the world?”

 ²³Jesus replied, “If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. ²⁴He who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me.

 ²⁵“All this I have spoken while still with you. ²⁶But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. ²⁷Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

 ²⁸“You heard me say, ‘I am going away and I am coming back to you.’ If you loved me, you would be glad that I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I. ²⁹I have told you now before it happens, so that when it does happen you will believe. ³⁰I will not speak with you much longer, for the prince of this world is coming. He has no hold on me, ³¹but the world must learn that I love the Father and that I do exactly what my Father has commanded me.
      ”Come now; let us leave.

 

When we are open and seek to become daughters and sons ourselves again if we have ceased being daughters and sons to the best DAD we could ever imagine, He reveals Himself (& He is LOVE) to us in a way that forever changes our hearts.  We are tranformed from orphaned spirits to sons and daughters.   Fear is cast out (Perfect love casts out all fear). We are able to love ourselves accurately because Father shows us how He treasures us.  We are able to love our family, our children accurately, because the Holy Spirit enables and empowers us to access Kingdom LOVE. 

Stay tuned for more about the “Making of Sons and Daughters.”

Busy creatures don’t relate well-Part 2

A major influence to me writing about the pressures of becoming too busy and forcing this new societal pressure onto this generation of children is a book I am reading, Einstein Never Used Flash Cards, by Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, Ph.D.  The plug on the back of the book just to give you a synopsis is, “Reassuring to parents and educators, title of book, shows why and how to step away from the cult of achievement and toward a more nurturing home life full of imaginative play and love of learning.”

It gives the real story on what research says about early childhood education and readiness for learning, without the sensationalism of media and businesses who are jumping on this movement in our culture to sell you a slice of bull hockey.

Here are some stats from the book.

1)Play has become a four letter word in early childhood education.

In 1981, a typical school-age child had about 40% of her time open for play.  In 1997, that time for play had diminished to 25%.  Further, 40% of school districts in America had even eliminated recess!

Many districts are aking reading skills a requirement to get into kindergarten–even though most child experts agree that time in preschool and kindergarten is better spent on experiential play and building relationships.

2) Mental health problems in childhood are on the rise.

Anxiety and depression among young children are reported at a higher rate.  The American Academy of Chld and Adolescent Psychiatry states that the number of “significantly” depressed children and adolescents in the US is 3.4 million, or 5% of all youngsters.

From 1980 to 1997, the number of 10-14 year olds who committed suicide increased an astounding 109%!

Children’s anxiety levels have increased significantly since the 1950’s, with children as early as 9 now experiencing anxiety attacks (I have seen this in my practice as well). Some studies show a growing prevalence of test anxiety in children, possibly due to the increased amount of testing in schools and the high academic expectations of the parents.  And of course, the anxiety interferes with learning and performance.

Anxiety is linked to less-frequent social contact with parents; children gain security through spending time among family.  It’s also linked to increased environmental threats such as crime, divorce, and violence.

Psychologists are reporting an increase in school phobias among young children and an increase in somatic complaints.

Much, Much more compelling evidence in this book to follow parenting instincts rather than societal pressure to perform up to par by overscheduling small children……

Trust really does come this early in life.

Psalm 22:8-10

 ⁸ “He trusts in the LORD;
       let the LORD rescue him.
       Let him deliver him,
       since he delights in him.”

⁹ Yet you brought me out of the womb;
       you made me trust in you
       even at my mother’s breast.

 ¹⁰ From birth I was cast upon you;
       from my mother’s womb you have been my God.

 

Throughout this blog, you will see the word attachment mentioned often.  Most of the general public would not understand exactly what I mean by that word.  The shortest way I could possibly explain attachment is the natural process that occurs between parents and babies in the first year that wires their brains for trust.    When you see the word attachment, think the word trust.

The briefest history without the dates and contributors to the body of science we call attachment research is this…..

In the mid 1900’s, there were theories of development that supposed that the first year is important for a child’s social development. 

Throughout the last half of the 1900’s and the first part of this century, attachment research has proven, in as much as you can use that word in speaking of research, that the first 3 years of a child’s life is critical to developing trust, learning to regulate one’s emotions, and attaining a good foundation for mental health throughout one’s lifespan. 

After all this studying and reading and thinking and treating attachment issues I have done, I find the verse at the top of this page.  It was said long before “research” was even being done on this subject.  The time and place a person learns to trust is on his mother’s breast. 

For what is a mother’s breast used in infancy and early childhood?

1) Breastfeeding…..nature’s way of forcing mother and infant to bond, especially in this day and age where mom’s are so very busy and contributors outside the home.    I learned from breastfeeding that my baby came first during that time. Breastfeeding is really the sole activity that adjusted me to that truth.  I was 30 at the birth of my first child and had plenty of time to adjust to being all about me, and a CRASH COURSE in learning to adjust to being all about Eli.  Breastfeeding is a “dance” between mom and baby, in which the mom very carefully watches and learns her baby, and the baby learns how get himself fed by using his instincts to get his mother’s body to produce the exact amount of milk he needs.  It’s an absolutely fascinating, wonderful system God created for nourishment, optimum growth and health, and most importantly-bonding.  

A good website to learn all about breastfeeding is as follows:  www.kellymom.com

2) Calming….another useful activity on mother’s breast.  Babies in their first days of life love to be no where else but on their mother’s bare breasts with their bare breasts and tummies, listening to mom’s heartbeat.  It reminds them of the womb, the place they were safest, best cared for, never hungry or cold.  As babies grow, they still seek their mother’s breast as a place of safety and a resource for soothing.  Regardless of whether a mom chooses to breastfeed, mother’s breasts teach a baby to trust by offering a place to calm.

3) Sleeping…. Each child with “attachment issues” I have worked with has difficulties sleeping. They have night terrors, difficulties settling, wake up in a state of panic often in the night, etc.   A child has to feel calm and safe in order to sleep at all or sleep well.   Both my children, even now at 3 1/2 and 16 months old, love to snuggle up into mine or my husband’s chest to fall asleep.  When they were infants, they spent a great deal of time on our chests upright and sleeping because they would not sleep lying flat in a crib. Both of them had reflux, and the contents of their stomach ended up in their mouth, in the crib, in their noses, which is not conducive to sleeping!!  So we did what we had to do to get them and us some sleep, we had them on our chests sleeping. 

The modern invention of the crib has been deemed in the medical community, therefore, all of society, the only safe place to sleep.  If you would like to see how allowing a very natural process of bonding and sleeping to take place can be very safe and beneficial to your infants development, see the mother /infant research lab at Notre Dame University.

http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/

I guess the point of any of this is to point out how great our Father God really is. 

He built within babies and mothers across all cultures in our world a natural bonding system that enables us for the rest of our lives to have the capacity to trust that we are loved and important and worthy of getting our physical and relational needs met.  All we have to do is work with nature, NOT against it, for this process to unfold just as it’s meant to unfold. 

AND… in His goodness, He tucked a verse into His Word to let us know that after all our theories and all our research and all our reworking of common sense and nature with modern opinions and inventions,that HIS WORD very simply states what we painstakingly have come to know,

That all of us learn to trust on our mother’s breast.

Busy creatures don’t relate well

Consider the ant and the bee.  They are the creatures in nature that are most known for their restlessness, their constant energetic striving to get something done.  Consider their relationships with others (I am jesting), and ask, “Is this the type of interaction we want to have with our children, our mothers, and fathers, our co-workers, OUR SISTERS and BROTHERS in the Body of Christ? 

They pass each other so quickly, they couldn’t usually identify the identity of the one that just passed them on the way to the hive or back to the nest.  They often struggle alone to move a huge obstacle or a large piece of food.  Do you think they ever so much as even get a chuckle out of bumping into a fellow busy bee or ant? I doubt they are attuned to the mental state or moods of their fellow bees and ants.  Nevertheless,  in modern culture, we pattern our professional and family lives to mirror the lives of ants and bees.

If ants and bees had limbic areas (the section of the brain most responsible for bonding), they would probably feel lonely, cast aside by their counterparts.  If ants and bees were created in God’s image and were meant to be His sons and daughters, they would probably feel a great deal of emptiness.  They are not designed like we are with the soul purpose of being loved by Father and then sharing that love with others.  So they do what they do…. Without consequence.  They survive another day.  They get the job done. 

Think about your life.  Think about what a typical day of yours looks like at the office or workplace, then at home with your family.  Do you brag to your friend or martyr yourself over how busy you are? 

It seems like that is all I ever hear anymore in circles I travel.  “What do you do for a living?  What activities are your kids into?  I’m trying to decide if my 2 year old would benefit more from soccer 3 times a week or dance lessons 2 times a week.”  I’m exhausted from all the pressure of resisting the same lifestyle and frequently finding myself wrapped up in it.  And if I had one bit of energy left, it gets drained by hearing all this talk around me.

The modern parent has become the time management system, social architect, brain sculpter for the modern child.  The modern child has a schedule that is busier than the 1970’s professional male adult.  Toddler playdates have to be carefully crafted into a packed activities calendar of an overextended parent and overachieving toddler.  Parents feel all this pressure to keep their kids on track with everyone else’s busy, well-rounded children.  How is it going to feel for you if your child gets to kindergarten and doesn’t have 20 sight words down like his well-to-do friend, Jack?  Like you are a slacker parent, right?

Consider the consequences of our modern day busyness.  Mental health problems are on the rise across the board.  Obesity and it’s related health problems.  Marriages are falling apart all around you and me.  Families look like ants and bees, rather than humans, functionally speaking.  Single professionals are too busy to date and get to know one another over texting or chat rooms in their homes after they get off work, get their take out, and wind down for bed, so that they can do it all again tomorrow.  Families spend less time together than they ever have, and most of the time they are together is in the car going to their various activities. 

Question: What exactly is the product of raising children this way?  Answer:  ANTS instead of sons and daughters. 

Question:  And what do we do with an ant or bee problem?  Answer:  Schedule another appointment, not with the exterminator (no!), but this new one hour slot is with a therapist!

Parents drag their tweens and teens into my office and these are their most common complaints.

My kid takes no responsibility for himself/ herself.  He/ she expects me to do everything (WHEN HAVE YOU EXPECTED OR TAUGHT RESPONSIBILITY IN THE FORM OF REAL LIFE LESSONS, NOT LECTURES?).

My kid has no respect for his parents or his teachers (AUTHORITIES ARE THEIR ADMIN ASSISTANTS OR SERVANTS, NOT AUTHORITIES.)

My kid is doing harmful things to interfere with his future because he’s hanging out with the wrong crowd (PERHAPS YOUR CHILD IS LONELY AND THINKS YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HER OR CARE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO BUSY)

You may be thinking I am being harsh or judgemental, but my parenthetical expressions come from the answers I get from the teens about why they are doing the things their parents are complaining about.  I’m also not judging because I, too, feel this smothering pressure as a parent to give my child the best I can afford, offer, & obtain.  I daily struggle with striking a balance between meeting the demands I’ve allowed life to place on me and being present in the moment with those I love. 

But what is best?  If parents want to continue to conform to the “peer pressure” to which we complain about tweens/teens conforming, we will continue to pay the consequence of unconnected, disrespectful, irresponsible youth becoming our next generation of adults.

A worse consequence I believe is what this entrained busyness is doing to our children’s capacity to develop spiritually.  Across denominations and faiths, common principles, teachings, and values are interdependence, servanthood, prayer (which requires being still and attuned to our Creator), spontaneous worship and insight in the form of receiving revelation from God, etc. 

If all of us are passing each other like ants on a hill with our many tasks to do, adding new ones to each gift of today, when are we going to start relating like spiritual brothers and sisters?  How are our children going to learn to do anything but strive, and be completely independent, not needing anyone else for help in the “burden baring and sharing” of life?  Brothers and sisters are designed to support each other, love one another, and bear each other’s burdens, like loving family members.  How are our children going to learn to be brothers and sisters to their fellow humans, Christians, and even their own flesh and blood siblings?  How are we going to teach our sons and daughters how to be sons and daughters to God, if 1) we are not acting like sons and daughters to God and 2) we are admin assistants to our children rather than parents?  We have to look to God for guidance on how to be a parent, and He does a fantastic job.  (See additional resources and links below)

Ants and bees do all this striving to ensure their survival and fulfil the purpose for which God created them-moving dirt around (I’m sure there’s more) and making honey.  However, WE WERE CREATED FOR SO MUCH MORE.  We were created to be sons and daughters of the most perfect Father, waiting and wooing us to STOP, BE STILL, and for our futures’ and souls’ sake, REST in His LOVE, so that we have something to give away to this world we are in.  Our contribution and fulfillment is in our LOVE, not our busyness.

1 Corinthians 13

Love

 ¹If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,^[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

 ⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 ⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

 ¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

 

Additional resources:

www.shilohplace.org

More about this notion I wrote about of our role as SONS and DAUGHTERS of Father.

http://www.shilohplace.org/assets/resource_pdfs/orphan-or-son-handout_20081230-141757.pdf

the difference between being a spiritual son and a spiritual orphan

Father God’s Love ministry materials: REALLY good stuff

http://www.shilohplace.org/

Managing Anger-Christian Insight

I went to a marriage retreat with Joe this past weekend through Providence Baptist Church, and we learned and are putting into practice many good things we came away with.

One topic that was just part of another was about Managing anger.

The pastor stated that too many parents teach their children that anger is wrong or otherwise imply that anger is an off limits emotion. He said that God becomes angry when something is wrong and that we see evidence throughout the scriptures at God having that emotion and it stirring Him to make the wrong right.

So when we become angry in the context of family, he said to ask ourselves 2 questions.
1) Am I angry because something is wrong?

If so, immediately pray about how God would have us make it right and handle it in a godly way.

2) Am I angry because I want my way? 

If the answer is yes, then this is a flesh informed anger. The way to handle sinful anger is to immediately confess and repent and show preference to the other person.
Ephesians 4:26 (New International Version)
26″In your anger do not sin”[a]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,

1 John 1:9 (New International Version)
9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Matthew 21:12 (New International Version)

(an example of Jesus feeling anger and it stirring him to make things right)
Jesus at the Temple
12Jesus entered the temple area and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves.

I Corinthians 13: 4

Love is Patient.  Love is kind.   It does not want what belongs to others. It does not brag.  It is not proud.  It is not rude. It does not look out for its own interests.  It does not easily become angry.  It does not keep track of other people’s wrongs.

Rest: Foreign concept of our time

Resting…. The new foreign concept.  It’s becoming as outdated as fancy hand-writing skills.   The press in our culture is to pack as much in a day as humanly possible, and when it’s no longer humanly possible, we utilize all kinds of electronic devices to try to pack in more.  If one can’t keep up, there seems to be a cultural conditioning of guilt or inadequacy.    I hear stay-at-home-moms (SAHM’s) standing around at activities talking about how they can’t seem to get it all done or bragging about what all they can fit in a day’s time.  I hear Nextels beeping on weekends when families are attempting to reconnect.  I see teens not looking where they are walking while texting.  I see clients sitting in front of me lamenting that they cannot fall asleep because they worry needlessly over things they know they have no control over.

I am guilty of robbing myself of rest.  I have become accustomed to my small children interfering with my rest.  It has been 3 years since I slept through the night consistently.  I think I have become and our society has  become accustomed with the lack of rest and relaxation, but not without a price.  Declining health, premature aging, poor concentration, grumpiness, car accidents, etc.   How do all these byproducts affect our relationships?

I learned a VERY clear lesson this week about rest.  God used my youngest, Emily, 14 months of age, to teach me a valuable lesson. 

Emily spends every day with mommy, except the days I work.  When I say she spends the day, you need to know that this little girl truly spends every waking and sleeping moment with me.  Since she is the beneficiary of attachment parenting, she wakes up in the morning right beside mommy, nurses, eats her breakfast, plays with brother and mommy, eats lunch, etc. etc. etc.  Sometimes she will allow daddy or grandma to replace mommy for her daily activities on the days I work, but the one time she makes it her business to not tolerate a substitute is night time.   The time is drawing near (a couple weeks), but until this present time, Emily has never spent a bedtime or night away from mommy’s side.  I know some of you reading think this is unhealthy, but I have good reasons backed by research for the parenting approaches I’ve chosen…. See my blog post on attachment parenting. 

One night a week, I work especially late.  I know how Emily wants mommy at night, so I make it home for bedtime. Each time I come in the door, Emily greets me with a sense of joy and desperation to get in my arms immediately.  Wednesday night was one of those nights, but God chose to illustrate the concept of rest to me.

I came in the door later than usual.  She was up later than usual.  As soon as I walked in she greeted me with the same joy and desperation she usually does to get in my arms.  Instead of visiting with me for a bit, she immediately melted into me, head on my chest, sucking her thumb (like she always does when sleepy), and drifted off to sleep.  It was as if she stayed awake just to have that moment of connection with me.  I felt priveleged that I was what made her day complete.  I sat in our special bedtime rocking chair, still as could be, and imagined myself melting into the chair, imagined the chair becoming God’s hand, and practiced resting.   Instead of reviewing my day in my mind, instead of thinking about what I’d do now that Emily was asleep, instead of thinking about how to solve problems for tomorrow, I rested and enjoyed God’s presence.  I had such a beautiful time of fellowship with my Father once I was still and listening. 

The most interesting thing I learned about that time I spent with my Father was that He didn’t choose to instruct me on priorities for things to do.  He taught me about characteristics of Himself and how He feels about me.  He brought to my mind verses, current Christian music, concepts I don’t come up with on my own.

My wise mentor I have mentioned before taught me that I can expect God to be a good Father.  I think of myself as a good parent.  Not perfect, but conscientious, and intentional.  Emily, I suspect, longs for mommy at bedtime because 1)she is the most vexed and tired at that part of the day 2)she knows mommy has always helped to bring her rest ( I have been part of that routine she loves and craves)3) & she knows intuitively that I love to share that time with her.  My wise mentor taught me I can at least expect the good parent aspects of me to apply to God (& much, much more).

Through Emily illustrating the concept for me, I got a taste of what it would be like to YEARN for my Father after a long, exhausting day… to seek Him with JOY and a sense of DESPERATION… to FIND Him and find that He is all I need just in the time I need it… and to REST and RELAX knowing He has me in His arms and TRUST that the details of tomorrow are for Him to attend to and provide for.

Rest really can be that sweet and restorative.  He’s waiting at your meeting spot.

 

Hebrews 4:1

¹ God’s promise of enjoying his rest still stands. So be careful that none of you fails to receive it.

¹⁰ God rested from his work. Those who enjoy God’s rest also rest from their work. ¹¹ So let us make every effort to enjoy that rest. Then no one will fall into sin by following the example of those who didn’t obey God.

& what a great bonus in the same chapter…. This one makes me want to shout for joy and be bold, but I refrain, lest I wake up the kids!!

¹⁵ We have a high priest who can feel it when we are weak and hurting. We have a high priest who has been tempted in every way, just as we are. But he did not sin. ¹⁶ So let us boldly approach the throne of grace. Then we will receive mercy. We will find grace to help us when we need it.

Children: small packages, big threats

My children have taught me more lessons about so many areas of life.  I have recognized through a wise mentor, through very repetitive patterns in my own history, the history of members of my family and friends, and of repetitive patterns in the histories of my clients that just as God has a plan for each and every life, Satan has a plan as well.  God’s plan for everyone is to meet Him, love Him, have a living, breathing relationship with Him, and leave this world a better place by using our individual gifts.  Satan’s plan to interfere with and thwart God’s plan.  It’s really that simple.

The earlier Satan can wreak havoc in a child’s mind, soul, body, the better for him as far as his schemes go.  Why are children such a threat to Satan?   They seem so powerless from a surface glance.

Threat 1:  All children have the special ability to have faith that is far greater than an adult’s capacity (psychology folks call this “magical thinking”).  Christ encouraged people to come to Him with the faith of a child.   

Matthew 18:3
And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

I have often heard people say that their children seemed to see spirits that were not visible to the adults in the family.  We have had some pretty obvious and powerful experiences like that in our home with our two children seeing what we know were spiritual beings.  I will tell that story in a separate blog post, coming soon. 

Threat 2:  Satan hates what God loves.   Jesus made no bones about that HE represented His Father, saying if you’ve seen me, then you’ve seen the Father.  Several times, Jesus took the opportunity to tell exactly how much He delights in children.  The following is an example of one of those times:

Matthew 19:13-15 (New International Version)

 

The Little Children and Jesus

 ¹³Then little children were brought to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked those who brought them. ¹⁴Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” ¹⁵When he had placed his hands on them, he went on from there.

Jesus has promised the kingdom of heaven to those with characteristics like children.  Satan’s plan is to keep anyone  he can from reaching the kingdom of heaven, our home.

Threat 3:  I mentioned that Jesus has promised the kingdom of heaven to people with characteristics like children.  What would those characteristics like children that would help us access salvation and the kingdom of heaven?

HUMILITY

Matthew 18:4
Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

Throughout the Bible, God used the small to defeat the big, the weak to triumph over the strong, the simple to confound the wise.  Small children have no pretenses, no filter, like older children and adults have.  God delights in their simplicity because it is SO REAL.

ORDAINED TO PRAISE GOD, and praise silences the enemy

Matthew 21:16
“Do you hear what these children are saying?” they asked him. “Yes,” replied Jesus, “have you never read, ” ‘From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise’ ?”

Here’s where the Jews of that day would have read those words before.

Psalm 8:2 (New International Version)

 

 ² From the lips of children and infants
       you have ordained praise ^[a]
       because of your enemies,
       to silence the foe and the avenger.

Children singing, babies cooing, toddlers and babies giggling are some of the most joyful, pure sounds I have ever heard.  To have the priveledge of one of those moments, is breathtakingly beautiful IF the adult will take the time to soak in the joy of the moment.  Their sounds have obvious power, and Jesus repeats already written scripture to back up that natural phenomenon.  Children who are thriving, celebrated, and being nurtured daily make lots of praise.  Satan cannot stand these sounds and their power, so I believe that he attempts to intervene by distracting parents, care providers, etc.  Seems one of his favorite weapons among today’s Christians is busyness.  In more dysfunctional family settings, he can work in abuse and neglect to silence those praises.  With willing adult participation, he tries that as well.  After some supernatural events led me to recognize those verses listed above this point, we began to sing praises as a way of fighting Satan’s attacks in our home.  When there is praise of any kind to God, whether that comes from adult or children’s lips, evil no longer feels comfortable.  We saw a dramatic difference in the climate in our home.  You see, we are children as well.  God delights when we act like children, at least in the respect that we are HUMBLE and dependent on Him.  He loves to hear our sincere praises.  And the Bible clearly states that praises have power.

I have seen evidence of this phenomenon–children’s praises silencing the enemy– while we are out and about with our small children.  The hardest characters often soften when our kids try to engage them.  Emily has a habit of wanting to go visit after our meals.  She always picks the most oppressed looking people to engage, and always brightens their day.  I wonder sometimes how long did the power of her goodness and innocence silence the enemy in those folks’ lives.